Coming Out
Published June 25th, 2000 in Homosexuality, Just MeNow, I happened to be staying a stone’s throw from Raffles City AKA Sogo, during and after my army years, and I loved to frequent the bookshop there. I had no exposure to gay culture, so I neither knew nor noticed the cruising that went on there and remember, there was no Internet then. I was “cruised” by an older guy, to my surprise (because I thought Singapore was squeekie clean) and delight. However, after two months with him, I felt weird and uneasy with myself and the relationship that I had. I guess I wasn’t ready to be gay then. I “broke off” and lost contact with him.
After that, I did not think about that issue. I was very much afraid of being known as gay and wasn’t ready to lead a “gay” life… the fear that people would stereotype me and look down upon me, especially in the army and especially since my inferiority complex is quite high. Coupled with the fact that I did not have any gay frens and knew nothing about gay lifestyles and culture.
The decision
My decision to come out came about after what I call two years of soul searching… of finding out what you want to be and how you want to get there. I wasn’t consciously thinking about being gay during that two years, it’s just that the search for my own being led naturally to that conclusion.
I was 26, it was near my 2nd year exam for my part time degree. There was an urging sensation… an uneasiness and awakening of the gay self and the loneliness. It was like a wild geese sensing that it’s time to fly south as winter comes. I started to notice the goings-on in SOGO and studied what people did there and the body language. I decided that after the exams, I would be out there cruising also (mind you, I didn’t know about the word “cruising” yet).
At the same time, I had an opportunity to know that one of my diploma classmates, a close friend, was gay. (You see, he sort of outed himself to my other classmates and I came to know about it). I asked him out, and came out to him. I was very nervous when I came out to him. I was stammering and just could not get the words out properly. Finally, I said, “I am like you”. It was a big relief after that.
Hi Kelvin
I’ve been reading your blog (not all of it at this time, not yet anyway) and I’m quite touched by the apparent honesty and openness with which you have written about your coming out … I dont even have the courage to write about that myself on my own blog, and I disguise my sweetheart’s name with the character “S” to protect his identity, etc … Actually if you are out to so many people I guess it doesnt matter i.e. you dont need to “hide here and there” but I am just a little concerned that our largely homophobic society is still very conservative and unable to accept an open declaration of our sexuality … Nevertheless I applaud you - you have a good writing style that is easy to read and follow, and yet exhibit some depth in your personality and life experience …
I really enjoyed reading your blog and I hope you continue to write …
Although I am a Christian, I hope you dont mind me being your friend
If you are interested, I would like to meet up with you over coffee or tea - I plan also to ask my partner along for subsequent meetings (and it would be great if you can bring your partner along too) but that is if we ever hit it off and continue to be friends
Anyway, even if you are not keen its also ok with me - I still just want to say I’m really impressed with your website and all the best!